Trying to get clarity

Trying to get clarity


I am in and out of sleep all day. I am still sure that my husband has left me; why else would he spend so little time with me. I had no idea that you can only visit people in ICU for 5 minutes at a time. I also had no concept of how many people were waiting to see me or how long they had been waiting. All I knew was Greg was ushering people in to see me and not staying with them.

Shift changes from day shift to night shift. Night nurse comes in to check my vitals; he tells me I am running a fever. He goes on to say that if I am running a fever I can’t be moved from ICU to a regular room. He then wraps my neck my wrists and my thighs with cold wet wash rags. At first this feels good, but it quickly degrades from good to chicken zit chilly. So naturally I start to remove all the cold rags. He takes the cold rags off just to make them colder and replace them on my body. I start to take them off again; he puts them back on and explains that if I am running a fever then I can’t be transferred out of ICU. I shrug my shoulders and try to pantomime why doesn’t he just give me something to break my fever. I am not sure if he understood my wild gesturing but he keeps talking and tells me if he ordered something for my fever, I would then have to spend another 24 hours in ICU. So the night is spent with me falling asleep then waking up to really cold rags being placed on my body. My fever comes down.

 The next morning is spent preparing me to transfer to a regular hospital room. I am starving I can’t remember the last time I ate. Greg shows up that morning with a tropical punch drink. I make him give me some. That is the best tasting tropical punch I have ever had. I want more and the nurse tells me no. I try to ask when I get to eat. Someone finally figures this out and says they will ask. Okay good enough for now. The speech therapist comes by to explain to me that I have to pass a swallow test in order to eat. The earliest they can schedule one is for tomorrow. No food or liquid till after the swallow test. I didn’t think they could do it but they just came up with a new form of torture. Not only was having the trake cleaned one of the most painful things on the planet but also because of my trake I couldn’t talk or eat. Throwing hands up in the air in complete defeat, I cry once again. I get moved into my new hospital room. I am trying to get Greg alone, the closest I get is me Greg and my mother in law Alicemae.



This is when I discover that my right hand is pretty much frozen up. I take a sharpie and a legal pad and try to ask Greg if he is angry with me. I can’t write with my right hand and my left hand is shaking so bad that nothing is legible. I finally get down on paper that I am scared. Greg says that is understandable and asks what am I scared of. I swallow hard how I can put everything I am feeling down on a legal were it can be understood. What am I scared of: that I will never walk again, that you will never look at me the same way again, that I will never get to go home again, that you don’t love me anymore, that you will leave me. What I finally get down on paper, I am scared that you will leave me. Greg laughs out loud this half laugh half sigh of relief. Alicemae asks what’s so funny and Greg shows her what I wrote and she laughs too. I look at both of them, Greg takes my hand and says he will never leave me; this is just something we have to get through. I am crying again but this time tears of Joy and relief. Greg sits down on the side of my bed and asks me if I am angry with him. I shake my head no and ask y. He said he was scared that I would be mad at him over the amputation. I just shake my head no and lay my head in his lap. What I could not convey with my very limited communication skills is that I trust him. He always puts me first and makes the best possible decisions where I am concerned and that I love him very much and need him now more than ever. What I get on the legal pad, No mad luv u. He smiles and hugs me this time he is crying too.

PS Some of ya'll have read this and then sent me an email on what you were feeling.  It is okay to post your feelings in the comment section.