Now I am living completely inside my head because I can’t talk. I am not sure what to call my amputated leg. I learned the technical term is stump. I decided that his name was nubby. So when I was thinking about things I always referred to my right leg as nubby. This strange phenomenon is occurring with nubby, I wake up and he is standing straight up. Now being who I am there is a lot of room for humor that I can’t share with anyone. People would come to visit and I would be either laughing or crying and unable to explain why.
The hospital decides I need long term care so I am being transferred out. Because I have a trach I can’t go straight to rehab. I have to go to an acute care center. The one Greg chooses for me is select specialty hospital. He has toured the hospital and assures me it is nice. The thought of being transferred really scares me. I can’t convey my fear very well so once again I am in tears. I was told once that tears were God’s way of cleaning our eyes. Let me tell you my eyes are very clean. I am being transferred via ambulance. I always wanted to know what it was like to ride in an ambulance, Not very exciting or comfortable. Greg goes ahead of me and meets me at the new hospital.
This is the darkest time for me. Wound care comes to change my bandages and I get the first real good look at my left foot. All my toes are black and except for my big toe most of my foot is black with gangrene. I am told I am lucky that it is the dry gangrene which means it won’t spread. I don’t believe in luck, thank you Jesus. I can’t stand to look at my foot so I have them wrap it all the way up. When I look at my foot I really don’t handle it very well. It just looks like death to me.
I am on a puree diet. You really haven’t lived until you have looked at a plate of food and you can’t make out what it used to be and the smell makes you want to vomit. The only meal I really eat is breakfast. It is hard to mess up cream of wheat. I would lie in bed at night and cry to the sound of my stomach growling. Needless to say I lose a lot of weight; I weigh the same as I did in Jr. High. When you are down to nothing but God you realize He is all you need.
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You have and are having it so rough. I am so proud of you! Posted for prayers for you on Face book for several days, through the roughest days when we were all really scared we might not see you here on earth any longer. I got calls and texts and FB wall posts asking how Stephanie was from people who have never met you. Women from my Bible Study asked about you, my pastors and ladies that work in the church office have asked and still ask. I don't know why you are having to struggle like you are, but know you are covered in prayer. Love you sassy girl!!! Tara
ReplyDeleteI love you too Tara. Thank you for the prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy friend, you are amazing and anyone who knows you is proud and lucky to be your friend. If more people had your grit and humility the world would be a much nicer place. Come to think of it, it's a pretty nice place already because it has people like you in it :)
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